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Not today!

Why didn't she fight for us? Wasn't I a good friend to her? I did everything for her and supported her through out. I do not expect her to reciprocate these things but I expect her to be a good friend and end things well with me. She owes that much to me.... At least, that is what I thought. The flash backs that I have about us are enough to pull me into a spiral of constant negative self talk for at least a day. Every day without her was a challenge at the start but the healing process has probably started. However, there are some bad days like today when I am reminded that she exist. On days like today, I wish that she will reach out to me and make things right between us...However, It is not right that I am still expecting her to reach out to me to make things right between us. I know for a fact that no matter what she will say she can not fix anything. Then expecting anything from her is just idiotic.  Realizing that people especially good people in your life can l
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Once again....

One day when all of this is over, you will look back at this and see that you were lucky.. You need to be proud of yourself. You have been brave. You have been taking decisions and facing the consequences of your decisions...Welcome to adulthood! Obviously, you want that person to stay in your life in a different capacity. But you know that will never happen. The question remains whether you still want her in your life or you can move on without her... Move on to a different person who will reciprocate your feeling...Move on to something better for you...At this time, you do not know how this will play out...You asked her for time and space..and told her that you wished her all the happiness in the world.. She deserves nothing less than that..You pray for her that she will find her best friend and get married to him... So my emotional rant is almost over... Like Coldplay said once, " You love someone but it goes to waste"...  You love someone unconditionally which mean
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Some new decisions

The following are the two decisions I took this year: 1- I will be more decisive this year. I will not spend months to make decisions. 2- I will treat every day as If it is my last day on planet earth
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My List on Love

Everyone has his own love story Your partner should be a blessing Love can be taken away at any time If you are not grateful.  It requires effort to blossom. It requires compromise but not on your basic values. Love does not always end up in marriage. However, no marriage can survive without love.  Sometimes, your love needs help from family, friends and sometimes strangers. Love is not about playing mind games.  All good things come to an end eventually.  I just wanted to share this. Maybe I will add some other points later. Just a little about my personal life, I was in a long distance relationship for 3 years. I, eventually, ended things. It was probably one of the hardest decisions of mine. I have hope! I have faith! I have zero regrets! 
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That Kit Kat and ICU night call

I was reading some of the older posts. I have grown a lot but still a kid when it comes to certain things. I have decided to be more open about things. I find this place a safe place to vent out my feelings and emotions. Therefore, some of the post will not make sense to a lot of people but it is just a medium for me to express some of my crazy thoughts, dreams and emotions. I have always struggled with my feelings and emotions. Honestly, I have buried myself in work so I do not have free time to think about the heavy stuff! Working in the ICU helps me concentrate on making life and death decisions rather than thinking about my problems and feelings. Still struggling though! Let me tell you what happened to me yesterday!  I was on call in the ICU overnight I went to grab a Kit Kat from the vending machine. I went there and got it. When I opened the wrap, it was melted. I was so heart broken. I really wanted one! I could have really used it since I was struggling with so many thin
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Chief resident! Mixed Feelings!

Guys I have a good and a bad news. I have been appointed as the new chief resident of Providence Hospital, Washington DC for the year 2017-2018. This was pretty shocking!! I was not expecting this like I was not expecting my mom to get really sick! I do not know whether to be happy about my chief residency or sad for my mom. Every day I think about her and the consequences of her diagnosis. I do not know how she will fight the cancer alone. I am thousands of miles away from her. She is in Pakistan and I am in DC! Hopefully things will work out! 
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Hectic ICU Call

Coming back again after almost a year. Residency has been tough. 2nd year is tougher than intern year. A lot of stuff have happened. Between my personal life to professional, my professional life has been more steady. Al though some days like yesterday, I came home after finishing 24hr ICU call on Sunday. I was exhausted! I started my day with a sign out from the other senior. I spent time rounding with my Program Director till 4 pm. In between, I admitted a Jehovah's Witness who was bleeding to death. Then at night, I ended up seeing a stupid consult and admitted another patient at 0300. I slept for an hour between 0500 and 0600. I get paged 45 mins before the end of my shift for two admissions by the ER physician. Seriously I was pissed off and told her politely that I can do one and I won't be able to admit two since my shift is ending at 0745. Then I spent the next 4 hours signing out to the intensivist and the ICU senior resident. After 11 am, I was finishing up my two H
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